Who Am I
by blackrozevalentine
Summary: Just like Bourne, I have lost my memory. Unlike Bourne, I have someone on my side, who knows everything, and who is willing to help. The problem: I don't know who it is. And there is one thing standing in my way, bigger than people trying to kill me. That thing is me. How can I help myself when I can't even trust me? My memories, my feelings, my instincts all gone.
1. The Awakening

I awake to see an old, cold, room. The curtains are open and the bright light of the morning shines through the old broken window. I sit up. The covers are plane and simple. The walls of this room are white and you can see all the filth of the aged room. The only color in this room is the brown of the bed. Even the tiles are white I try to stand up, but I am a little wobbly.

I open the door, BANG! BANG! Gun shots. I hit the floor. Nothing happens, so I think it's safe. I peek around the corner. There's no one. So I walk into the pure white hallway. There is 2 doors. I turn and open the one to my left. It is a bathroom. It is light blue with white petal flowers near the top. The bathroom had a sink that is bright white a bath tub with a shower that is rusting. I think that it started out white too. Also, a toilet. The toilet is a nice blue with a bubble pattern on the cover. A smell can to my nose. The smell is a daises in the spring. That smell, I found, I particularly liked. Then, I turned around and opened the other door. It is a closet. When I walked down to the hallway to an open room. I notice that I can feel carpet against upon the bottom of my feet. I look down and see a dark red, dirty carpet. You could see all the stains of the years.

Straight ahead is a dark wooden door. BANG! BANG! More gun shots. I hit the floor again. This time I accidentally hit my shoulder square on the wall. I grunted. I hear laughing, why is someone in this place and laughing! I got up and saw this man. I don't know him. He had a blue and red plaid shirt with black pants. His hair is a dark brown made in a shaggy style. He had deep blue eyes that shone like waves of the sea. He was around 5'11" and had a muscular build. When he looked at me I felt a warmness come over me. A feeling of love and comfort.

"You're finally up!" he said with a smile.

"Who are you? Do you know who I am?" I asked. Suddenly realizing I do not know anything about me.

"I'm Micha Maizer. Your name is Ziva Maizer. You are 23 years old, I am 27. We have known each other for a long time. We got married right out of college." he said calmly and lowly. "Before you ask any more questions, you might want to get dressed," he said with a hint of amusement. He is fidgeting nervously.

When I look down I am in a strap V-neck poka-dotted night gown. It was blue with the dots being green. There is a bow and elastic right under my bust. It feels nicely tight. I have matching shorts on. As I look at my stomach, I am skinny. My arms and legs are small but muscular, my hands are soft and nails are painted a mute pink. So, when I look at my feet they are freshly done with the same color. I turn around and head back to the bed room. There were no clothes anywhere in the room. I remember that the clothes were in the closet. When I look inside the closet, I see many clothes. On the left are suits as well as casual, they seem to ne Micha's clothes. On the right are also, more fitted suits and casual clothes that I assume are mine. Straight ahead are full black body suits and leather clothing. Shoes line the floor. Purses line the shelf above the clothes, on my side of course. All this clothes are a bit over whelming. I pick out a pair of the jeans. They are tight against every one of my curves. I pick a shirt, it is old and worn out, but it is warm. I look for shoes, I pick the heels that seem to match the shirt. They are about 2 inches high. I head over to the bathroom. I brush my hair. I put on foundation, blush, mascara, eye liner, and shadow. My hands just seemed to move on autopilot. I was a slight surprised that I could still remember this. I moved toward the door just as it opened. Micha stepped in.

"Oh, um. Could you, knock first?" I said surprised turning toward Micha.

"Sorry, didn't know you were in here. Thought you were changing." he said trailing off thinking.

He eyed me. His eyes waved all over me as he thought. He did that only one other time. That was when we first met.

"Uh, yeah. I was." I said awkwardly.

"Well, could I get in there?" Micha said looking behind me.

"Yes, yes. Of course." I said turning sideways and motioning him in.

Micha walked in. As I left, I closed the door. I walked down the hall in to the living room. The old furniture didn't look too appealing to sit in. I sat down in the leather chair that faced the T.V. I guess Micha had turned it off. The leather chair felt more comfortable than it looks. It fits perfectly to my shape as I sink in.

"I am taking you to dinner tonight to celebrate you waking up. I'll be back at seven." Micha says as he enters the living room.

He turns to the kitchen and heads to the refrigerator. Micha opens it and pulls out milk and a sandwich. I get up and head to the counter separating the living room and kitchen. I sit on one of the bar stools. Micha leans on the counter as he eats. He is directly across from me.

"Micha? How long have we known each other? I know you said we got married right after college, but how long have we known each other?" I asked.

Micha looked from his food to me, "Since we were kids, we knew each other. We grew up together. In our freshman year I asked you out as a joke and you said 'why not?' We were together ever since."

"Oh. How did I lose my memory?"

"You got hit by a car pushing a little boy out of the way. You were in a coma for at least 3 months. You woke up last night. All you did was stare at me. You would eat or respond. The doctor said that was peculiar. After a couple of hours, you fell back asleep. Ziva, I have to go to work. We can continue this conversation at dinner. I am sorry, but I've been home so long, I have been putting off getting important work done because I wanted to be here when you wake up." Micha said. He is a little more relaxed now. He was really nervous and anxious before.

"Okay, sorry." I said kind of disappointed.

Micha laughs a little. "It's okay, don't worry. I'm just sad because I can't spend the whole day with you." Micha headed out of the door.

"Wait! Micha?" I said running to the closing door. I opened it to Micha turning around. I ran into him.

Micha wraped his hands around my waist to keep me from moving away. "What?" he said as his eyes looked at me with longing.

I cupped the side of his face. "I don't know" I said. My mind clouded and unable to think, I moved my face closer so our faces were inches apart. My body is on autopilot.

"Ziva, I love you." Micha said as he leaned down and kissed me.


	2. The Dinner That Kills

Chapter 2

Me and Micha got to the restaruant. It was a nice restaurant and I somehow felt unerdressed. I asked Micha if my clothes were okay. Even though he said they were, I felt nervous. I have no idea why, though. We entered the restaurant and got a table in the back. As I looked around, I recognise the table settings, the decorations, and the staff. A sudden realiztion hit me. This was my favorite restaurant. Me and Micha would eat here one a month. I felt a little more comfortable here so I relaxed.

"Want me to order for you? We've been here enough times that I know what you like and don't like." Micha said looking up at me intently.

"No. I think I remember. I know we've been here before, but I am not exactly sure what to get." My eyes never leaving the menu. I got a little scared of looking at his eyes in fear that Micha is hurt by my comment.

"Okay. Are you starting to remember anything? Do you remember this place or is it more of a Deja-Vu thing?"

I look up at him. "Somewhere in the middle I guess. I mean I know I have been here before but not Deja-Vu like. It's not exactly a memory but more like a realization or like I just figured it out."

A waiter comes up and brings out his pad. "Good afternoon Micha. Hello, Ziva. Welcome back to the world of the conscious." I look at the gleaming smile of the waiter to his name tag. Jarod.

"Hello, Jarod. i am sorry but I do not remember you. You seem very familiar though."

Micha looked at Jarod. "She can't remember anything because of the coma."

I looked at Jarod, "sorry."

"Oh, it's okay Ziva. Everytime you come here I wait on you. We were all friends in college. While it turned out good for you, my life kind of took a turn for the worst." He must have seen the disdain and sadness on my face, because he contined saying, "no worries Ziva. I am fine. My family is doing great. I am actually the owner now. The owner passed away two years ago and gave me this restaurant. I still wait on some of my costumers. if you haven't guessed yet, this is your usual table. So, to see if you get your memory back, you want your usual?"

I give him a suspecting gase, "that depends on what it is."

Jarod and Micha laugh. Jarod, still laughing says, "You usually get a single glass of red wine and a medium rare sirloin stake. Then for dessert you get a mini brownie cake with extra chocoalte syrup and chocolate chips. I don't know how a little thing like you ate that. But about three months before your accident you would eat about twice that and drink water. You still stayed so thin. Probably because you worked more, I guess."

A flash of me, Micha, jarod, and his wife Julie came into my vision. We were at this table eating and laughing. I rubbed my belling. All of a sudden I got up and went to the bathroom. While in there, I was talking to myself about something I couldn't remember what. All I could 'see' is me pacing in the bathroom holding my stomach.

I was jurked out of the memory by Micha shaking me. I woke up lying next to my chair. Both Micha and Jarod were leaning over me. I sat up gradually, black surounding my vison and then it disipated. I started to stand, but couldn't so I sat in my seat. Next, all my senses shook me back into reality.

All of a sudden I could hear micha, very loudly, saying "Ziva, Ziva, are you okay?" He put a hand on my shoulder.

"Yes, I am fine." I said looking at him. "I just had a memory. Guess it took all of me." I turned my gaze to Jarod. "How's your wife Julie?"

Jarod stared at me in disbelief for a moment then laughed. "She is fine. Great actually. She'd love to see you up and awake again."

"Yes, we'd have to make a date of getting together. All four of us."

"Ziva, what did you remember?" Micha said with a tone and look in his eye that made me not want to tell him. But, since Jarod was looking at me so intensely, I decided this was okay to tell him. For some reasons, I did not feel that Micha was concerned with me getting my memory back, but with what I will remember.

"Me, Micha, you, and Julie were at this table having dinner. Then I had to go to the bathroom. I can't remember what I said but i was pacing and I didn't know what to do. I must have been in there long."

Micha must have felt relieved because his intense stare softened a little. "That must have been right before the accident. For a couple months you were really worried about something. You weren't focused at all. We were all worried."

"We?" I asked Micha.

"We. All of your coworkers, friends."

"What about my family?" I looked at Micha, who just looked down. I looked at Jarod, he shrugged his shoulders.

"You never knew you're really family. We were both orphans. We grew up together in a group home. You don't like to talk about it. It wasn't a very good time for us. Me,you, and a couple of our other friends weren't exactly law full. Jarod and Julie were thr first of us to settle down, have a family, and stop what we were doing."

"But, you two still haven't stopped, have you?" Jarod said laughing.

Micha gave him a death stare. I got kind of scared. This just made me not want to trust him. "What do you mean, Jarod."

"Oh, nothing. I was joking. Even though you have stopped,your style and way of being still haven't."

"I still don't know what you mean." I gave up I just wanted to eat. "Never mind, I'm getting hungry. Can I just have my usual?"

"Yes, I think that's enough information for today, don't you think Micha?" Jarod said getting into his light mood again.

Micha laughed. "Yes, yes. I;ll have my usual as well. Make both our drinks a water, though."

"Oakie dokie." Jarod turned to leave.

"Jarod?" I asked. Jarod turned around and looked at me. "Thank you, for eveything. And don't forget to tell Julie I said hello and we need to get together."

Jarod smiles. "Okay." is all he said. He turned and left.

The rest of the night was me getting familiar with Micha. We talked about simle things. For exampe, we talked about New York and why we live here. Nothing deep, just information that was more everyday knowledge and background knowledge that didn't need deep thought or intese emotions. The food was delicious and the night was nice. When we got home, he put the left oversin the kitchen.

"I'll sleep on the couch. You take the bed. Let me get in the bathroom first. I'll wake you up before I go to work tomorrow morning." Micha said heading toward the bathroom.

"Okay." I said softly as he walks away. He seems angry and distant. Now that I think of it. All night after I had my memory he pulled back. I didn't know it when we were talking, I guess I got caught up in it.

I stood there for a few minutes. Then, I walked to the bathroom. I opened the door. Micha was leaning on the sink deep in thought. He didn't seem to notice me standing there. So, I walked over to him and from behind put my arms arounf him. I could feel his muscles tense. Just then did I realize he was shirtless and in his boxers. Micha turned around and wraped his arms around me. He leaned back on the sink and rested his head on my shoulder. I stepped closer, then he stood up straight. He still refused to look at me. I put my finger under his chin and turned is head toward me.

"Look at me." I wispered.

He looked at my eyes. Micha wasn't there. He was distant. A sudden dread and misery swept over me. I couldn't feel like this. My mind shut off and my body went on autopiolet. I pulled his head down to mine and kissed him hard. For a few seconds, I didn't regester. I pulled away. His eyes were watering. He now looked me deeply. He grasped my shirt and pulled me close. Micha leaned his head into mine and kissed me. My body took over and kissed him with so much passion. I didn't know I had it. My mind id separtate from my body. I can feel my old self sinking into my body and taking grasp of the desire I have to take hold of Micha. I couldn't help what my old self was doing with my body. Before I knew it I was in my underwear and pulling Micha into the shower. I didn't even know it was on. He pulled me into him. The actions in the shower made me feel pleasure. So much pleasure was being thrust into me, I felt like escaping. But the same pleasure made me want to push harder.

Later that evening, I couldn't sleep. The guilt I had for everything. For the innocence that was gained back, then lost. For letting my body take over. For making Micha suffer, again. But, yet, some part of me is greatful and knows that all that has happened today was not my fault. I got up and walked to the living room. Micha is laying on the couch. I look at him. I wanted to wake him up to talk to him. As i look at him, I realize that he must have not slept like this in a while. I sit in the leather seat and watch him sleep. Before I know it I fall asleep.


	3. Home Sweet Home?

When I wake up I am back in my bed. There is a note on the bed side table. It says Micha will be back in the early afternoon. He had some work stuff to take care of. Me and Micha talked a little after we got back. I learned a lot. For starters, I was born in

Albuquerque. I had graduated a year early from high school. I went to college and graduated in three years with two majors. I went to work for

убив компании, but he didn't tell me what it ment. I think it's Russian. I worked for them during high school and college.

Though, the things he is telling me, they seem familiar, but I have this feeling, in my gut, that he isn't telling me the full truth. Or the truth at all.

I get up. My body aches a little. I stand up and walk to the kitchen. I get out the chiky milk and pour it down the drain. Looking throuh the cabinites, they are as empty as the refridgerator. I sigh and walk to the closet. I glance around the room. I grab a pair of old jeans, a Ramones t-shirt, and the undergarments. I strip off the night gown I have on and head to the bathroom. I put the clothes on the ground and turn on the shower. I hear the rush of cold water springs out of the pipes.

I step into the shower. It gives me shivers. I turn the dial all the way up. I feel the water rush it down my body, warming its path. I grab the shampoo and misage it through my hair. Feeling the bubbly soap wash down my body, makes my muscles relax. This feels normal. I do the same thing with my conditioner. I pump the shaving cream out of the dipenser. I take my time rubbing it on my legs. I run the razor up my leg, each motion slow. I pay attention to the way it feels on my leg. Seeing the white of the cream disappear from the razor gliding across my skin. The motions feel familiar but new at the same time. I move my face closer to my leg facinated by the blade.

A memory flashes in front of me.

On a table lay a knife, five blades, and me sitting cross legged with a choice to make. i feel movement behind me, and I grab one of the razor blades. I throw it from between my middle and index finger behind me with out even moving my head. I hear the razor tear throught the skin, muscle, and the coroted artery. The man slumps to the floor. The sound of the body hitting the floor echos the blade hitting the wall.

The memory fades and the scene in front of me returns. I have dropped my razor and am sitting cross legged on the shower floor. I get up and turn off the water. I get out and wrap my self in a towel. From my memories, I must have been pregnant and a serial killer or hitman. I put my clothes on and head the bedroom. I pick up the book that was on the night stand. _Pride and Prejudice_. The bookmark was left near the end. I walk into the living room and sit down on the leather chair. I open the book and start reading.

I get to the middle of chapter five when Micha walks in. He drops a bag next to the door and slumps into his chair besides me.

"Did you move the book mark?" Micha says grabbing the remote.

"No. Why?" I asked.

"I was reading that." He leaned his head to the side and drifted off watching TV.


End file.
